From Caterpillar To Butterfly

Before I get into the subject matter, I just wanted to address the lovely people who are finding my blog and reading it. I had 42 individual visits in the last month, and I don’t know where people are finding it, but welcome, and thank you! I hope you’ve found some value in it!

This blog post will not be a popular one. It will ask you to examine your own beliefs, and it’s fine if you don’t want to, but… why DO we believe what we believe? Is it because someone else told us what the truth is, or because we’ve taken the time to find it out for ourselves, through study and prayer?

Caterpillars and butterflies are not two different species. They are the same species in different stages of life. There is a distinct before, a distinct after, and a very messy in-between place where the changes happen that no one can see from the outside.

And so it also is with humans. There are humans in mental and emotional bondage, and there are free humans, and the transformation to get from one place to another is purely internal. This process is called The Dark Night of the Soul.

I don’t know if caterpillars ever look at butterflies knowing that they’ll become that someday. I don’t know if caterpillars are jealous of butterflies- jealousy seems to be a purely human emotion. I do know, however, that butterflies live much easier lives than caterpillars do. There are many fewer aerial predators who feast on butterflies than there are land bugs who eat caterpillar casserole.

Have any of you ever really thought about what a caterpillar goes through to become a butterfly? Give it a good ponder. This poor lil’ bug finds itself wrapped into a coffin of its own making, then its insides become complete goo as everything it ever knew as a land-dweller becomes absolute chaos within itself, and it really has no idea what is happening, and its only choice is to just hold on until the process finishes. Once it does, the chrysalis becomes ridiculously too tight for its new form, and it has to struggle to get out, which makes it strong enough to fly. See also: my blog post, “The Struggle Makes You Strong.”

There is no going back once the butterfly emerges; nor would it ever want to go back. The systems of control that used to govern the lives of those caterpillars no longer apply to butterflies. Imagine a brother caterpillar looking at his butterfly sibling on the very edge of a flower. “Why aren’t you afraid of falling? Mother and King Caterpillar say if you get too close to the edge, it’s dangerous! You’re going to get into trouble! You need to obey King Caterpillar for your own good!” The butterfly would look at his land-dwelling brother, see that he is afraid of heights, feel compassion for him and his strict rules, sigh because he remembers being that, and then flies away, knowing that every single one of his caterpillar siblings thinks he should land and pretend to be a caterpillar again for their comfort.

Again, so it is with humans.

I have talked about this before. I got into an intense conversation with two different family members in the same month last year because they were aghast that I don’t consider obedience to be a virtue. Obey God, sure. What did God tell us to do? Show love everywhere and give more than you take. That’s it. That’s all God has asked us to do. But almost everyone I know is trapped in a belief system that keeps them grounded. Most of them are actually pretty unhappy, but it’s their fear of stepping outside of their rigid rules that keeps them that way. Take for instance, marijuana. God created a plant that shrinks tumors and cures insomnia, but many people believe it to be a “drug” and refuse to use it for religious reasons. But if a doctor prescribes legal heroin, that somehow is fine according to the same beliefs, and it is our blind obedience to “authority” that has gotten us into the mess we are in. When we listen to “doctors” who sell pills rather than use plants that have existed for thousands of years, we are obeying ourselves right off a cliff.

If any of you were to ask my family, they’d all tell you I walked to the beat of my own drum my whole life. I never understood why I looked at things differently than my family members did, nor did they understand why I didn’t just be quiet and get in line. I guess I was born to be different- I was born to be a truth-teller (ironic for someone who used to lie a lot in my youth and young adulthood, and it got even worse during my Dumpster Fire years as I frantically tried to cover all my messes) and in a family that taught me from a young age never to rock the boat or be rebellious, I never really fit, because I never saw the value of obedience, something my mother would agree made it difficult to parent me.

Regarding the Dark Night of the Soul, I went through that several years ago. Or, rather, that’s when it began. It all started with a drug problem that broke my brain open, and when I tried to put the pieces back together was when I began to question everything I had ever been taught, because my entire world had become a house of cards that collapsed under the weight of truths I’d began learning. I began looking at how those authority figures profited in real world money from me believing a certain way (see also: the Covid vaccines that netted Pharma executives billions of dollars).

The Dark Night of the Soul is a harrowing journey. It requires a person to smash every single belief they’ve ever held into smithereens, throw it all into the trash, and start afresh, trusting their inner light to guide them out of a dark pit. It will show you things you never saw before, it will make you feel crazy, and it will certainly change how you see everyone in your life. Everyone. No one is exempt from this. And when I began searching for truth, it led me to some ugly places, because the cost of waking up in this world is seeing everything for what it really is beneath the polished veneers. You learn that the people who try the hardest to appear saintly have the biggest closets with the most skeletons in it. You learn that the people who have the most money in this world do unspeakable things with that money. You learn that there is a ruling class that thrives off all of the general public feeling small, powerless, putting their heads down, and doing what they’re told. And once you learn all of those things, you only have two options: Pretend that true evil doesn’t exist and lose your soul, or seek the truth, no matter how horrifying it is, so that you can fight against the evil that plagues us.

I learned that the same control systems that want us small and obedient also want us weak and sick. They want us to avoid using plants to cure ourselves and get ourselves addicted to pills they can sell us instead. There’s a reason why they jail people over a plant they can grow in their home while selling heroin in pill form as much as they can. There’s a reason why your doctor will tell you to eat less meat, salt, and eggs before telling you to eat less carbs and sugar. There’s a reason why doctors aren’t given herbology courses and get trips paid for by Pfizer. None of this is for your benefit. This is all in the worship of the Almighty Dollar, and the Bible is quite clear on this: “It is easier for a camel to fit through the eye of the needle than a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven.” And all of this has become a religion with unquestionable dogma- if you question the medical establishment, you WILL be punished. See also: my post about The Covid Lie. Doctors who spoke out about Covid being treated with ivermectin had their licenses stripped. Not because ivermectin hurt anyone- but because it actually worked, and they were affecting the cha-ching of the bottom line.

Most mainstream religions have unquestionable dogma, as do rabid vaccine enthusiasts (I used to be one. I harangued pregnant friends over vaccinating their newborns. Oh, the REGRETS) The religious zealots of all kinds will refuse to look at any evidence contrary to what they believe, and will get angry and offended when you try to show them the truth. The same is true for doctors who sell chemotherapy, the same is true for liberals who refuse to see that importing hordes of third-world savages into first world nations makes their lives less safe. The same is true for anyone who blindly believes that America acting in the best interests of a tiny sand nation 5,000 miles away instead of taking care of our own citizens is anything but actual treason (especially when these blind believers have no idea that this sand nation full of tiny hats actually hates us and considers us idolaters worthy of death because we follow Jesus. Lots of sources on this if you know where to look and how to listen. See also: John 8:44 and 1 Thessalonians 2:14-15. We apparently are not allowed to even say anything bad about those people, in a country with free speech, or our lives are over. If you want to know who rules over you, look at who you can not question, and if a foreign nation rules over us, that’s… BAD). All of those beliefs are religious dogma. If it can’t be questioned without the assumption that the questioner is somehow a bad person, that is dogma, not truth. That is a control system designed to keep people in line through peer pressure- something my parents taught me to push back against at all costs, and I am thankful for that lesson, though when the call is coming from inside the house, it becomes an extremely sticky situation for those of us who actually see these control systems for what they are- a cage made of thoughts, locked from the inside.

Once I spread my wings and left my chrysalis, the divide between butterflies and caterpillars never became more clear, and in trying to tell people still on the ground that they are capable of growing wings, I have ended up bruised, battered, insulted, and written off as a bad person by people that I love and look up to- despite never being more spiritually healthy, despite never being closer to God. This has caused a rift with family members, friends, coworkers, etc. Sadly, I have learned to keep my mouth shut and keep the peace without giving ground, which is why my own blog has become my last bastion of trying to tell people the truth- that we were born into cages locked from the inside, and conditioned to attack anyone who has unlocked the door and flown away. People like me are actually disliked by fervently religious people because I am seen as not as “righteous” as them.

Case in point- God doesn’t mind being questioned. Some of you might be absolutely aghast at me saying such a thing, but do you really think I’d say this if I wasn’t absolutely sure it was true? Trust me, during your Dark Night of the Soul you’ll question God a LOT. A LOT. But if you believe you can’t stray from the path God has laid out for your life, then you must also conclude that A. Our mistakes are factored in for our growth, and B. Any questioning you do of God is ALSO expected by a benevolent and omnipotent creator. After all, are you afraid to ask your own parents a clarifying question? Of course not. Anyone who says you can’t question God probably doesn’t know God. Anyone who says you must always bow and scrape and be reverent to God… probably doesn’t know God. Believe it or not, I have felt close to God while drunk in my kitchen at midnight on a weeknight crying my guts out over all of the pain I was feeling, screaming and asking WHY.

God was there with me, holding me as I sobbed hysterically, and believe it or not, I eventually got answers.

God does not mind being questioned. Man-made control systems that tell you what God thinks… absolutely DO mind being questioned. That’s why I question them. Because they are full of “Because I said so.” Which is not a good enough reason.

Jesus famously said, “The Kingdom of Heaven is within you.” The reason rich people don’t find it is because it requires a rock bottom in order to find it. When you have plenty of money, you can pay to make your problems disappear. You can pay to have a witness to a crime disappear. You can pay to make a body disappear. You will never hit rock bottom because you can pay your way out of your problems. You will never actually hit rock bottom when you have lots of money. “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven.” Jesus didn’t come to Earth as a rich man. He came as a penniless one… so why do so many Christian churches seem to have so much money and an army of lawyers to defend them? That’s not what Jesus taught. The reason why rock bottoms lead to the Kingdom of Heaven is because in our lowest moments, we reach out to God. We say we’re sorry for our wrongs, and we promise to do better if He helps us. And that leads to the Kingdom of Heaven- inner peace.

I highly recommend everyone to watch The Chosen, especially if you do not know who Jesus was. If you believe God to be absolutely everything in existence, including all humans (as I do- I know that God is the animated, living spirit that loves and binds all things in existence) then you understand that Jesus was simply a human manifestation of God that we could relate to and follow His ways. There is no one higher than the One who came to me in my lowest place and pulled me out of it, because the same spirit of God that dwells in me knew His voice when He called, and I followed Him back into the light.

This is my testimony- that I am unashamed of my love of God, and know that He came personally to teach, to self-sacrifice, and to die to save us. I never understood God better than when my brain broke and I was terrified for my child’s safety due to brain chemicals, and when I was willing to harm myself for her own good (my book Walking Dumpster Fire explains this whole situation in detail). I would absolutely NEVER send her to her death if I was omnipotent and could stop it- I would go in her place, a trillion times in a row. Daily, I would be tortured and killed so that my child was safe, if need be, for eternity. Sign me up- as long as she’s safe, I have peace.

And that is the way God loves all of you- that He would rather put on a limiting flesh suit and die rather than live without us. And all He asks of us is to follow Him. Which means having a compassionate heart, giving to others, and whipping corrupt authority figures when necessary. This includes ALL of them- from rich megachurches to politicians who line their pockets with your money and tell you to obey. If you’re only following the loving half of Jesus, you’re missing half of the lesson. Becoming strong enough to stand on your own and not care who dislikes you for speaking the truth, now, that is how I believe Jesus wishes us to live- because that is how HE lived. It is necessary in a world full of selfish “authority” figures who tell you to be afraid of heights, and try to prevent you from growing wings.

There’s nothing wrong with being a caterpillar, but you typically don’t stay one forever. The truth shall set you free, and then you shall fly.

Don’t be afraid to question everything you know and read opposing opinions. Don't be afraid to learn you're wrong. God will guide you and love you through your learning process. You will be amazed at the truth that emerges if you are willing to seek that truth at the cost of your own belief systems. If what you know to be true is right, it will stand up to questioning. If what you believe is a lie, it probably needs to be destroyed. I say this with love. The truth is simple; lies are complicated and confusing.

2 Corinthians 11:3-4.

I believe God prefers us to be fearless and strong rather than timid and obedient. Yes, the '“meek” will inherit the Earth, but “meek” has been twisted into being a terrified, obedient doormat. Meek also means patient and humble- a knowing that I am an instrument of God's usage, which is why I get up at 5am to hit the gym before work and go to bed with sore muscles more nights than not. Because it's not MY will that I exercise and fast regularly. It's His. Ain't nobody doing that because WE enjoy that, but Thy will be done.

Thy will be done.

Love you all.